Sunday, January 16, 2011

We are walking contradictions. We are the daughters of feminists who've always told us "be anything", and instead we heard "You must be everything". I want. I endlessly want, desire, and need to be. I want to grow my hair long. I want to be feminine, I want to be beautiful in both a conventional and unconventional sense. I want to stop you in your tracks. I want to shorten your breath. I want to shatter, reposition, and astound...but only so much. I want to cut off all my hair. I want to look beautiful naked and in baggy clothes. I want to be simultaneously concealed and fully exposed. I want to wear lipstick, mascara, and combat boots. I want to wipe my face dry, I want to have raw, calloused skin. I want to be powerful, full of confidence, and self respect - but I still want your attention and concern. I want your hands and your hot lips. I want your ambivalence and careless concern. I want to be outside of it all, this whole thing that tells women what we should be and how to behave, but I still want parts of it and pieces of you. I want to stand on my own two feet. I want to be strong and start my own business, but I still want some form of stability and support. I want to work for your company, but only so that I might inevitably dismantle it, and drive it into the dirt. I want paychecks and benefits, and I want you to give it to me because it might be easier... but inevitably I want to do it for myself. I want to be loud and obnoxious. I want to be outspoken and absurd. I want to shake off everything that has ever made me feel inadequate or anxious. I want to write a manifesto. I want to do it for myself. I don't want to feel like a giant anymore. I want to shrink and feel small. I want to be tiny, nibble, and agile. I want to feel lifted, instead of endlessly always having to lift myself. I want to feel trouble, turmoil, and disaster. I want to eat and be eaten. I want to grow. I want to be a powerhouse. I want to shake the foundation of the earth, and reflect everything meaningful that I've ever known. I want to do it differently than all my predecessors. I want to be radical and go down in history. I want to be above it all, above your perceptions. I want to be solid like stone. I want to be hard like granite and concrete, but I want to melt like ice. I want to be what I know I am, and I want your opinion of me to matter less than anything I've ever known, but I still want you. I want it all in all it's many forms. I want to care less, and I want to care more. I want to be ok with being celibate for now. I want to be free to fuck tomorrow. I want to be outspoken and obsessed. I want to be beautiful and absurd. I want endlessness, but not immortality. I want the earth, I want the ground, and I want ever single star in space. I want my name on it, and I want your attention. I want to wear dresses, and lay in fields of flowers, and I want to kick ass. I want a piece of the picture. I want to look cute and coy. I want to look powerful and predominant. I want to be unattainable and attained. I want to be on my own. I want to be with you. I want the moment and I am nostalgic for the past. I fret endlessly about the future, but I want to be here.

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