Wednesday, September 5, 2012
It happened again. I confused lust for love again. I confused comfort for trust again... I'm wiser now, but the world is still spinning around me faster than I can find the ground again. It's true what they say about finding your footing, and where you might get swept of to if you can't keep your feet. Light is suddenly being brought to all these old cliche's that seemed stuffy before I had the age. I think I relied on so much external satisfaction before this year of my life. I realize now that needing your loved ones, and banking on, and feeling hungry for the approval of others from the outside are two very different things. The managed to melt into one so easily before now. Trusting my intuition and my sense are paramount. I look back now and think of all the times, even just over the past year, that things felt so wrong. I remembered how I pushed, thinking if only I could show you all of me, that I would finally feel loved. What I never realized before is who fundamentally rooted in the self that love is. You can't change, or trick people into loving you. I think we all primarily know this from the get go. however, our own actions, and the actions of others trick us into believing otherwise. I have learned so much about cruelty and carelessness over the past weeks. I have learned so much about love, support, and genuine behavior. I was forced into a place of understanding that I may not have gotten to otherwise, but for all its pain I am grateful. Never again will I waste my time on something so hollow and self serving. Never again will I question my better judgement. Never again will I allow myself to make time for an extreme narcissist, who is only interested in others for the way they make him feel about himself. Never again will I willingly lay down may heart and my body to someone so careless and incapable of empathizing with another human being. Never again will I devalue myself so strongly that I would except the compartmentalizing of one's worlds, and settle for everything less than I deserve. I am an always have been an open book of mindfulness and emotion. I offer that to any true love, whatever the measure of the honest relationship, and I except and demand that back in return. This is the year of the dragon, and so am I. I appreciate and accept the challenges that have been laid before me, and I know now that I will rise above them, heal, and be better for it.