Sunday, January 16, 2011
We are walking contradictions. We are the daughters of feminists who've always told us "be anything", and instead we heard "You must be everything". I want. I endlessly want, desire, and need to be. I want to grow my hair long. I want to be feminine, I want to be beautiful in both a conventional and unconventional sense. I want to stop you in your tracks. I want to shorten your breath. I want to shatter, reposition, and astound...but only so much. I want to cut off all my hair. I want to look beautiful naked and in baggy clothes. I want to be simultaneously concealed and fully exposed. I want to wear lipstick, mascara, and combat boots. I want to wipe my face dry, I want to have raw, calloused skin. I want to be powerful, full of confidence, and self respect - but I still want your attention and concern. I want your hands and your hot lips. I want your ambivalence and careless concern. I want to be outside of it all, this whole thing that tells women what we should be and how to behave, but I still want parts of it and pieces of you. I want to stand on my own two feet. I want to be strong and start my own business, but I still want some form of stability and support. I want to work for your company, but only so that I might inevitably dismantle it, and drive it into the dirt. I want paychecks and benefits, and I want you to give it to me because it might be easier... but inevitably I want to do it for myself. I want to be loud and obnoxious. I want to be outspoken and absurd. I want to shake off everything that has ever made me feel inadequate or anxious. I want to write a manifesto. I want to do it for myself. I don't want to feel like a giant anymore. I want to shrink and feel small. I want to be tiny, nibble, and agile. I want to feel lifted, instead of endlessly always having to lift myself. I want to feel trouble, turmoil, and disaster. I want to eat and be eaten. I want to grow. I want to be a powerhouse. I want to shake the foundation of the earth, and reflect everything meaningful that I've ever known. I want to do it differently than all my predecessors. I want to be radical and go down in history. I want to be above it all, above your perceptions. I want to be solid like stone. I want to be hard like granite and concrete, but I want to melt like ice. I want to be what I know I am, and I want your opinion of me to matter less than anything I've ever known, but I still want you. I want it all in all it's many forms. I want to care less, and I want to care more. I want to be ok with being celibate for now. I want to be free to fuck tomorrow. I want to be outspoken and obsessed. I want to be beautiful and absurd. I want endlessness, but not immortality. I want the earth, I want the ground, and I want ever single star in space. I want my name on it, and I want your attention. I want to wear dresses, and lay in fields of flowers, and I want to kick ass. I want a piece of the picture. I want to look cute and coy. I want to look powerful and predominant. I want to be unattainable and attained. I want to be on my own. I want to be with you. I want the moment and I am nostalgic for the past. I fret endlessly about the future, but I want to be here.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Today I feel like I am taking up more space than I can remember. I don't feel heavy, or wide. I don't feel round, or soft. My tight, dark, straight legged jeans fit in much the same as the did yesterday, and the day before. What strikes me about them is that I think I feel like they somehow belong to someone else today - that maybe yesterday they might have been mine, but today that is certainly not the case. I am very aware of filling them, and how strange the feel to find me inside.
I think of you often and it's beginning to make me ill. Not ill in a hopeful way, not ill in a love-drunk way, but sallow and sick. I'm really projecting here and it's making me tired. I'm riding waves of hope and hopelessness, and I truly find that I prefer the days when I don't care. At the end of it all whether or not I cared doesn't matter, and it will not alter the inevitable result of this whole thing. Which is foreseeably nothing... and that's fine, or good, or even fucking GREAT. So I would really like to stop thinking of you, and all the things I've intended for you to be (which aren't even real), because it's pointless. It's pointless, it's fruitless, and quite frankly it's not any good for me. Or for you really, because I think I've given you far more credit than you deserve. So as you continue to fall short of my plastic, culturally influenced fabrication of greatness you'll most likely develop some pretty severe self esteem issues. I've already started to watch it happen. I've really done you quite the extreme disservice, building you up so high. You don't measure up, because no one can ever possibly measure up to such a lavish, grandiose construction. I've worked long and hard on it. I've been piecing it together for most of my life actually. From my first experience with cinema, to the love song I listened to this morning. Age who knows when up to now. It makes me wretch, because quite honestly I'm fairly certain that there is a large potential that I don't even like you. But I'll never really know, because I've built you up so high, and sealed myself into a tiny box with exactly one hole. I can see things through this hole from time to time, but never the complete picture. This makes for an array of misconceptions, largely based in nonsense, or half the story. I am glad the hole is there though, as troublesome as it's proved itself to be. Because the air inside my box gets rather stale and dry from time to time. Every once and a long while I'll taste fresh air. I'm really considering altering my box, and puncturing the side parallel to that with the existing hole. It would allow for a nice cross breeze, and I quite honestly have no idea what's happening on that side of my box anyway. Sometimes someone will sit down in front of my tiny, oddly shaped window and detail the events on the other side, but I'd really like to see things for myself one of these days. It's cramped in here and I am tall. I often have nowhere to stretch my legs, and I certainly have no idea where to put my feet. I might ask you for a suggestion, but I know I'd just be hearing what I want to hear anyway, and that your suggestion fundamentally wouldn't be of that much use. Or any at all. So sometime soon I'd really like to get out of this box, and start taking my own advice. The only real trouble is that I finally remember where I set you when I placed you up high. I put you on top of my box, and now I am stuck with the seemingly impossible task of figuring out a way to take you down from the top while I am still inside.