Monday, September 9, 2013

Fear And Loathing In Philadelphia

I am new again, wether I like it or not. I have spent the majority of my life  harboring fear over getting trapped in my homeland. This fear is one that I still, and have always lived by.  The relationship with that feeling, however, is different now. I recently met a stranger in a park and we chatted idly about adolescence. I grew up ashamed and insecure for the most part, constantly (if always unknowingly) fighting to just exist the way I just did. I'm so glad that it never occurred to me to change or adjust myself to make things 'easier'. I realize now what a gift and strength of character that was (and is) even though at the time I was incapable of seeing or understanding it in any way. The point of all this rambling is that if you had told me I would have done and seen the things I have at 25 I would never believed you. The reality of it is that I would be ecstatic as a 15 year old, to just know where I was going. I feel like at 25 I really need to keep that in perspective. I woke up one day as the person I had always wanted to be, living seemingly impossible adventures. At 25 I have to believe that this is still possible in terms of the future. I'm unemployed, a transplant in a new city I'm absolutely excited about, but petrified of. There is so much that I don't understand, that seems impossible. I need to remember and get back to the very basic human truth of this. That at 15 I felt like this, and at 25 I feel it again. I woke up once as the person I always wanted to be, with a very dreamy life. If I continue to live and work and BE the person I always have... I have to believe this will recure. I have to believe there's something reaalll big, just around the bend. Part if me feels it, I just have to believe, push, and let myself get there