Today I remembered Christopher. I thought of him in much the same way I would have eleven years ago. Not as fact, history, or something past, but rather as the human being he was and would still be. People leave us and we forget. They become memories that slip and fade. We can recall, but soon enough there comes a time when we can no longer connect. I think I've watched that happen to my family since his death. I've experienced it myself. I've let Christopher become a memory, a dream... something fleeting and far away. The truth is that I will always love him. If I concentrate long and hard enough I can remember just how he moved, and also how his lips cracked, parted, and turned upwards to reveal the awkward space between his front teeth. I remember Christopher in quiet moments when I am alone, but I have not shared his story, or the story of that day with anyone in quite sometime. I don't know that I have ever given specific details. I don't think I have ever known what they mean or how significant and responsible that experience has been in defining moments of my life, and creating backwards patterns into which I have fallen helplessly.
Humans are such multifaceted creatures. We are always searching for the answers to our own questions, and to the inquires of those that came before us.
I am trapped here in this moment, contained by the pattern and impartial nature of your reply. There is so much more in every direction and I absolutely hold you responsible for all of it.